I think i sorta joined a cult last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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