dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
