Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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