since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
