hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
