So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
