we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
