i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
