I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She announced her abortion via fbk
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
