Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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