the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
