Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
