I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
