oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
