you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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