Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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