omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Randomize