I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
