Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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