i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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