John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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