just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
