Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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