hell yes lets make some ravioli
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize