If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
