Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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