Don't make out with my wife yet
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
