wrigley field is MILF paradise
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize