I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Randomize