i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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