Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
