Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
