I never want to see another naked old woman again.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
