I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
