Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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