I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
