I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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