It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My vagina is very pro this idea
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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