Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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