Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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