I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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