Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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