I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
