I am spending my child support on dildos
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
