Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
