Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
