I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
And then he peed in my hair
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize