Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
