the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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