ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
