just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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