he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
