I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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