Pappa wants mamma naked
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
