these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
