I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
