I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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