just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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