I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
